Insomnia

I know I haven't written since I have been home. There's a reason. There's nothing I am comfortable with sharing. I opened up blogger many times to share the small stuff I have done in Ameriki. I got a fancy iPod. I have an apartment. I got a car. It's red and gorgeous, and the pictures would make you all smile for me. Especially if you knew how much I loved Ricki, my old car. My new car is like a revamped Ricki, and I am supposed to be happy. I was going to tell everyone about how great life was with this new red dream, but the truth is the car stresses me out.

Pretty much everything stresses me out these days. Readjustment's a bitch. So many decisions to make, no time to make them. And each time I make a decision, I second guess it every time I think about it. I got a new apartment which is pretty - just as pretty as my car - but it has caused me more stress than happiness. Is Reid going to like it? Are we going to make a good life there? Can I pay the rent? Where will my shoes go? Could we have gotten a cheaper one? But in the same neighborhood? Is the commute going to be annoying? Are the gym/ roads/ building/ supermarket going to be too crowded, making me wish I lived in the less hectic suburbs? I can't even list all the questions I have asked myself about every single decision I have made.

All this adds up to one thing: I feel more insecure and scared than I think I have ever been. Don't laugh. It IS more difficult than leaving for Guinea.

But, just as in the past, I know in my brain it will all work out. I know I will love the apartment, the car, the job, the classes. I know I can handle it all in the long run. I am good at this stuff. That's what my brain says. But my nerves say something different. I am terrified. I am out (way far out) of my comfort zone.

But life is dreadful inside the comfort zone. I can't stay in there too long. Every year or two I need to be scared. I need life to challenge me and I need to conquer it. And I will conquer it. But it's a process. And writing my first honest blog entry from America is a step in the right direction. I am being honest, not only with all of you, but with myself.

I am done ignoring the pain, the fear, the discomfort, the anxiety.... I am going to feel it all, be aware of it, and live. Isn't it times like this that make me feel most alive? I am experiencing the true spectrum of emotion, and in the ashes of a great loss, I am going to rebuild and live on. And I will be put together and happy again soon.....