So, apparently, distractions are pretty distracting.

It's so sad that I really have nothing more to say than that.

Ok, there is more to say....I realized something tonight while spending time with my new distraction. And I pre-apologize to all of you out there that I love. But I realized that I don't want to see you one-on-one the next few days. My going-away party is fine. Thinking about Anna's birthday on Friday is alright. I can't be confronted with too many feelings if a bunch of people are around. But real one-on-one time is too much. In fact, I have been avoiding it subconsciously at all costs, which has given me a real commitment-phobic approach to making plans.

I don't mean to be all maybe-ish and last minute with you, the friends I love, but I just can't do it. I am no good at good-byes. So I prefer distraction. It's my coping mechanism of choice these days. Although it's not working like I had planned. It's not making the thoughts of you leave my mind.

Boy, do I suck at saying good-bye. I let it get to me waaaaaay too much. One time I was willing to risk hypothermia while frozen tears ran down my face because I "needed" to walk home in -11 degree Celsius weather. I "needed" to walk bc I needed to vent some emotions after saying goodbye to a good friend in Germany. Luckily another good friend wouldn't let me walk and forced me on the bus, where I cried some more. But those tears didn't freeze to my face. Saying good-bye sucks when you let it get to you.

Saying good-bye in DC this past month had me in a similar position, although it was not nearly as cold. I found myself outside Dupont-North metro station, standing at the top of the escalator under a friend's umbrella, crying. I just wasn't ready yet. So he agreed to have one more cup of coffee with me, waiting to say good-bye until I was ready. After a half-hour or so, we agreed to laugh about the moment I stood crying above the escalator at Dupont-North in two years when I get back. I was ready. I am sure I will laugh about it one day, but I will always remember how it felt to not be ready to leave, then to finally have to do it, and how it felt to walk home alone in the rain.

Remember, you are talking to the girl who flew back to DC two weeks later so she didn't feel like she had to say good-bye when she left the first time. Remember that, Sara, dear? Maybe I should learn a lesson from you. You are always the one to avoid these emotions, to just light up a cigarette and walk away. But no, I know that as you walk away, you still feel the same things that I feel, only in your own Marlboro-Red kinda way.

So, my current plan of attack for these last few good-byes? Go with it. Feel it. Be in the moment - whether the moment is spent with a distraction or with my loved ones. Moments like this I will remember forever, whether or not they involve tears freezing to my cheeks.